Welcome to my mind! A scary place…
Cogito, ergo sum (I think therefore I am!)René Descartes
I am turning 60 on the 29th of June. For most of my lifetime I have followed a path. Sometimes it was a path less traveled but it was still a path. In my own way I am going off the path….
This morning I woke up with an idea. Up to now I said that I want to go into full-time photography… but this is wrong!!! I have always been in conflict with myself … a non- conformist. Let me explain…
The world wants to classify, divide, and decide on ones worth. Your worth is said to be based on the wealth you can provide others… Frankly make them money! Only the so called “wealthy” is capable to live their dream! This is bull….! It is merely the path many set out on. But millions never succeed. I too have failed in this…. It was never my purpose.
So what is my purpose? Am I an artist? What does this mean to me? This is a complex question. For me art seeks to reflect on the world. Finding the deeper meaning in everything: work, people, the world we live in, religion, politics and family life! This has always been my quest. But I left it as a young man when I pursued the path that my dad wanted me to follow. It was a divergence. Although I found great pleasure on the path I had to entertain my real self on my way. I always felt the need express myself, to take photographs, paint, draw, write, teach, study …do more…. I know now that I have been missing my artistic expression. I have a desire to find a way for others to see that. In the last 10 years against the bitterness of being sidelined; due to my age and the color of my skin, my class, to be told that I am irrelevant, that I have nothing to say. BULL… Again my soul shouts :
“I am”… I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
“I am”… I cried “I am”… said I
And I am lost and I can’t
Even say why
Leavin’ me lonely stillNiel Diamond
It stops now. Following does not help me. Leading does not help me, even the path less traveled…. I must create my own path. I am unique. I am not white or black, man or woman, wealthy or poor, a South African…
There is an existential part of me that remains undefined, that is undefined… A spark that seek a way to shout out to the world. A spark that that gets defined by other people, philosophers, intellectuals. It’s an interpretation of me. Its not me… I am…drawing the line. I will find a way of freeing the essence of me. I will find the artistic expression that do this for me. And if anyway possible find a way assist to free the individuals around me or fail trying. This is it!
( A purge from my soul on the 3rd of June 2019 – when I thought that I would no longer be able to continue with my studies at Falmouth. 6 hours later my circumstances changed. I include this piece of honesty to hold me true. I believe my studies at Falmouth will enable me to find my path.)